The surreal deal.
Linus Leslie Coker is in da house (hospital actually). Born at 4:44PM on 12/19/06. 9lbs, 2oz. and 23 inches long. He’s sleepy and so is Mom and both are recovering nicely. Expect a deluge of pictures and videos to start within the next week and continue on for the next 18 or so years.
The Social Security Administration maintains a database of popular baby names¹ based on Social Security card applications. You can use the database to find out which names were most popular for a given year or how popular a specific name was over past years. It turns out that our baby’s name may be even less popular than I initially thought. In fact, 1940 was the last year in which this name broke the top 1000. Prior to that its last peak of popularity was in 1926. Searching back for 200 years, it looks like the best ranking this name has ever achieved was in 1882! Take that Jacob and Emily!
My plan to create the world’s most bizarre adult by the year 2025 is going exactly as planned!
1. Human
Again, something with so many strikes against it that there’s no logical place to begin to criticize it. My first grievance would have to be with the decision to actually show Sondra’s body. Please Sondra, don’t ever remove any article of clothing ever again, I mean not even indoors. Also, what’s with the anger? Why is she screaming this song¹ at us? Is she mad at us for not wearing a neon thong bikini? Does she discriminate against those without triple-teased perms? Perhaps she hates us for reading books *gasp* at the beach!
Hopefully you’ll all be able to “get your booty on the beach shore” sometime this weekend.
¹The utter lack of tune, melody and talent may have rendered this ineligible as an actual “song.” The term is used here in the loosest possible sense.
Here are some points of interest (and a couple of disinterest):
More specifically, where’s the Whoper meat? Heather and I shared a craving this weekend for a Whopper Junior®, so we stopped on the way home from church at Burger King (or BK as the kids call it). The Burger King in King of Prussia (no relation) already has a strike against it by being the only stand-alone fast food place I’ve ever seen that has no drive-through window. Frankly that’s just un-American, and I’m almost certain that it’s racist too.
As we pulled into the parking lot we wondered aloud, “are they closed?” We were the only car in the lot excluding what must have been the employees’ cars. As we parked we noticed a sign on the door that read, “No Burger Meat or Whoper Meat.” We stared in awe-struck silence at the sign for what seemed like an eternity. I finally did the only thing that made sense at the time. I retrieved the only camera I had with me (my cell phone) and snapped this photo. All the while two lonely employees stared back at me from behind the glass, both were wearing Santa Claus hats.
This sign is wrong on so many levels that there is no way I could hope to make sense out of any single piece of it. Simply put, it’s a masterpiece of gibberish. It’s a tour de force of confusion. I love that they realized they had spelled Whopper wrong, and then proceeded to respell it in what appears to be exactly the same way. Perhaps the most troubling question is why is there a distinction between burger meat and “whoper” meat? Most importantly, why in the world are they out of meat? Isn’t this supposed to be the very king of burgers?! We are all but lowly serfs in this meatless kingdom.
UPDATE: Well, party’s over folks. Heather has completed the mandatory amount of pouting, so the video is coming down. I’ve marked it as private on YouTube, so I can still retrieve it in the future if I need to. Continue to watch this space for any new snoring developments.
Here’s a glimpse into the realm of the real Twilight Princess. Apparently having a seven pound human growing in your abdomen can have adverse effects on your surrounding organs. I think the scientific term for this is the “Organ Smash.” One of the symptoms of this condition is the classic, old man-style snoring. This is what I’ve been listening to for the past few months.
Whether I’m watching TV or a movie, playing a video game, trying to sleep, brushing my teeth, or changing the oil in my car, this sweet siren’s song has been the soundtrack to my life. It’s also the very same sound that’s driven from my bed and into the guest bedroom in seek of refuge. Go ahead and get your laughs now, as I’m hoping (and praying) that this phenomenon disappears once the baby makes his debut.
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